Well I have to say that April is the busiest month out of the year filled with our Anniversary, tons of birthdays and showers! Which would normally mean an anxiety filled month of stress and freaking out over all the things I would have to do and people I would have to see. Spending every second of my day trying to convince myself why I shouldn't be nervous but it never helping.
Until now. I am so happy so say I am on the road to feeling normal (whatever that may be). Yes, I still have my bad days but it's NOTHING like it used to be. I can finally enjoy the crazy holidays and seeing all of our family! Am I nervous? Yes. Is it going to ruin my fun? No. The number one reason why I am doing so well now is because of the fact that I push myself. I know I have constantly talked about this but it's true. You have to go out there and do things that make you uncomfortable. Just push through it. Nothing is going to happen.
If you are scared to go to the store, walk in and walk back out. The next day walk in a little further and walk back out. Test your limits. In fact, just push your limits. You will be amazed at the feeling you get when you realize you just did something that you were terrified to do. Nothing can replace that feeling.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
One thought leads to another.....
So it's been awhile since I have written anything. Life is BUSY! I've really been having a great week as far as my anxiety and overall mood go. Monday wasn't very good though. Sometimes I have those days where I wake up and just seem completely overwhelmed. When I'm in that mood I can't imagine doing anything or going anywhere. It just feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and every worry that goes along with that.
I'm not sure why certain days are harder than others. Nothing ever seems to trigger it. I just wake up and I'm completely anxious. I feel almost crazy even saying it sometimes because in the back of my head I know there is NO reason to feel like this. I worry about every single little thing that has happened, will happen or may never happen. It seems like an impossible task just to get of off the couch. It does help that I have a 4 year old there to motivate me to do stuff but it still is a struggle. These type of days don't happen very often but when they do it makes the next few days amazing since I feel like I just went through hell!
I have learned that it's best to keep moving and keep your mind active. Get up, take a shower first thing (I PROMISE that having a shower right away will make you feel sooo much better) and find little things to do such as cleaning or a project. Don't start getting on Google to figure out what's wrong with you or what might happen to you. Google is NOT a good thing for someone who tends to worry. I had to learn not to use it every time something very small happened. On days like this it's best to have someone you can call to talk to and take your mind off of things.
The people I rely on the most:
1.) My husband - he is the single most important person in my life. (besides my son :) ) He knows every little thing about me and knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better.
2.) My sister-in-law - She lives in a different state but it feels like she is here all the time. She makes me laugh CONSTANTLY and supports me soooo much in getting better and is one of my biggest blog fans! ;) I love her very much!
3.) My best friend - She spends a lot of her time thinking about me and what she can do to make me more comfortable. She is one of the best people I have ever met. I couldn't think of a more perfect friend.
4.) My other sister-in-law - Now this is strange because she has no idea I have a blog (that I know of). She isn't an emotional person so we don't really get into things like that. She is well aware of my anxiety and knows a lot about it. The one way that she helps me is by being that way. She is completely worry-free and tells me that she never worries because she knows it won't change anything. She is very inspiring and helps to remind me that I shouldn't worry so much. I love her very much and she is wonderful sister. (and she is also carrying my future nephew that I can't wait to meet)
Like I said in my last blogs is that it is very important to find people that can support you and help you along the way because you don't want to go through it alone. If you don't have anyone to help or just don't know where to start, I will be more than happy to give you all the help and encouragement you need!
I'm not sure why certain days are harder than others. Nothing ever seems to trigger it. I just wake up and I'm completely anxious. I feel almost crazy even saying it sometimes because in the back of my head I know there is NO reason to feel like this. I worry about every single little thing that has happened, will happen or may never happen. It seems like an impossible task just to get of off the couch. It does help that I have a 4 year old there to motivate me to do stuff but it still is a struggle. These type of days don't happen very often but when they do it makes the next few days amazing since I feel like I just went through hell!
I have learned that it's best to keep moving and keep your mind active. Get up, take a shower first thing (I PROMISE that having a shower right away will make you feel sooo much better) and find little things to do such as cleaning or a project. Don't start getting on Google to figure out what's wrong with you or what might happen to you. Google is NOT a good thing for someone who tends to worry. I had to learn not to use it every time something very small happened. On days like this it's best to have someone you can call to talk to and take your mind off of things.
The people I rely on the most:
1.) My husband - he is the single most important person in my life. (besides my son :) ) He knows every little thing about me and knows just the right thing to say to make me feel better.
2.) My sister-in-law - She lives in a different state but it feels like she is here all the time. She makes me laugh CONSTANTLY and supports me soooo much in getting better and is one of my biggest blog fans! ;) I love her very much!
3.) My best friend - She spends a lot of her time thinking about me and what she can do to make me more comfortable. She is one of the best people I have ever met. I couldn't think of a more perfect friend.
4.) My other sister-in-law - Now this is strange because she has no idea I have a blog (that I know of). She isn't an emotional person so we don't really get into things like that. She is well aware of my anxiety and knows a lot about it. The one way that she helps me is by being that way. She is completely worry-free and tells me that she never worries because she knows it won't change anything. She is very inspiring and helps to remind me that I shouldn't worry so much. I love her very much and she is wonderful sister. (and she is also carrying my future nephew that I can't wait to meet)
Like I said in my last blogs is that it is very important to find people that can support you and help you along the way because you don't want to go through it alone. If you don't have anyone to help or just don't know where to start, I will be more than happy to give you all the help and encouragement you need!
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Happy is an understatement.....
I don't believe I have ever enjoyed warm weather as much as I do now. For some strange reason my mood has been amazing. I have spent the last year trying to pull myself back together from "relapsing". I was so depressed at the fact that I was doing so good with my anxiety and then about 14 months ago I was right back where I started. I had no idea that was possible. It was a little easier to deal with since I had already been through it once but I still learned a lot this time. I have learned the way my body works and reacts which I believe will help me from having another relapse.
For the past week I have been HAPPY. I wouldn't describe it as a good mood, I would describe it as my-face-hurts-so-bad-from-smiling happy. I am interested in doing more things. Hell, I even joined the YMCA today. (I'm not exactly the exercising type) I am excited to spend all day outside with the little one. I look forward to waking up now. So many factors have influenced my mood and this blog is one of them. It has been a great way to see that people are going through the same thing. It still surprises me everyday that just a short time ago I was so terrified to do anything and now I am a fully functioning adult! LOL!
I can't tell you specifically what to do to get you to that point but I can share my experiences with you and maybe you can learn from it. I'm creating a list of things that I want to accomplish this year. Some of the scary exciting things on this list are:
- Become completely comfortable with going to the movies (If you read my other posts you know I'm pretty terrified of going to the movies)
- Exercise frequent (it's very good for you if you have anxiety)
- Learn to drive a stick shift (Sounds stupid but I have anxiety while driving so If I can do that, I will feel sooo much better)
- Make it through another wedding! (2 of my best friends are getting hitched in October)
- Further my education in some way
I could keep going but I think that's a good start! Pushing yourself is the ONLY way to overcome this!! Like I said before, SUCK IT UP!
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Like Mother, Like Son?
I really try to blog as much as possible but it seems there are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. I've had a really good past few days. Not much anxiety which is actually nice. Kind of feels like a vacation!
So over the past few months I have been really focusing on one thing. My 4 year old son. One thing I have noticed recently is how many times he says "I'm scared". When he doesn't want to sleep alone, when he climbs a playground or even when he is playing alone. It makes mefear wonder if I have had any influence on that. I am a constant worrier who is scared to do half of the things that came so easily to me 6 years ago. I really try to not say the "S" word around him. I'm so afraid that my anxiety will rub off on him or that if he knows I'm afraid that he will feel the need to be afraid as well. A little boy should only be afraid of monsters in the closet, not of playing on a playground.
The last time he told me he was scared, I ended up in a 3 story CLAUSTROPHOBIC McDonald's playground with a section that probably could only fit a newborn baby. I was so freaked out that I would get stuck but I was not letting him leave until he went through it. So being the "brave" mom that I try to be, I strapped on my big girl pants and climbed up thedeath trap playground. When I saw how scared he was I just pulled him with me and by the time we made it through to the top he was just as excited as I knew he would be. About 20 minutes later when it was time to go I ended up having to go get him because he wouldn't leave.
This is the kind of situation that reminds me that no matter how much I want to kick and scream about going somewhere and how nervous I am, I should ALWAYS try it. Even if I have to sit in the car for 30 minutes before just to prepare myself. I've never had anything happen to me during a panic attack that was so awful I couldn't handle it and that's what I need to remember.
So over the past few months I have been really focusing on one thing. My 4 year old son. One thing I have noticed recently is how many times he says "I'm scared". When he doesn't want to sleep alone, when he climbs a playground or even when he is playing alone. It makes me
The last time he told me he was scared, I ended up in a 3 story CLAUSTROPHOBIC McDonald's playground with a section that probably could only fit a newborn baby. I was so freaked out that I would get stuck but I was not letting him leave until he went through it. So being the "brave" mom that I try to be, I strapped on my big girl pants and climbed up the
This is the kind of situation that reminds me that no matter how much I want to kick and scream about going somewhere and how nervous I am, I should ALWAYS try it. Even if I have to sit in the car for 30 minutes before just to prepare myself. I've never had anything happen to me during a panic attack that was so awful I couldn't handle it and that's what I need to remember.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
A few things I've learned......
If I were to rewind the past 6 years and start at the beginning, I don't think I would have believed that I would eventually look back on some of the things that have happened to me and laugh. The more I write this blog the more I realize how far I have come with my anxiety. I wanted to share a few of the things that I have learned along the way:
1. Don't ever describe in detail what a panic attack feels like to someone who doesn't have them cause chances are they will swear they are having one. Then you end up taking care of them.
2. If your 80 year old psychiatrist who barely speaks English goes to get your medicine, walks back in and forgot what he was doing, you probably need to find a new doctor.
3. If you have the strength to roll out of bed in the morning, then you are already much better off than some people.
4. If you are TERRIFIED of scary things, don't drive with your boyfriend and his friends to a haunted house an hour away only to panic when Michael Myers walks up behind you and you have to spend the rest of the night in the car.
5. If your therapist keeps saying "I know how you feel" or starts acting like she may need as much help as you do, you might want to start looking for a new one.
6. DO NOT expect all your friends to stick around after you start having anxiety and panic attacks. They are only human.
7. Don't be afraid to let someone help you through your day but don't rely on that person for everything. They may not be here one day.
8. STAY BUSY! The more alone time you have the more you will think.
9. You will surprise yourself if you just try things you didn't know you could do. It is a HUGE confidence booster.
10. Don't decide you want a tattoo when you are deathly afraid of needles. You will have nightmares.... I promise.
11. Most people don't care that you have anxiety, so you shouldn't care what they think.
12. I keep telling myself that I will be normal one day but maybe this is my normal. It could have been cancer or losing both legs but it's just anxiety. JUST anxiety.
I hope these are words of encouragement for someone who needs them. Life is funny and I'm finally starting to enjoy it.
1. Don't ever describe in detail what a panic attack feels like to someone who doesn't have them cause chances are they will swear they are having one. Then you end up taking care of them.
2. If your 80 year old psychiatrist who barely speaks English goes to get your medicine, walks back in and forgot what he was doing, you probably need to find a new doctor.
3. If you have the strength to roll out of bed in the morning, then you are already much better off than some people.
4. If you are TERRIFIED of scary things, don't drive with your boyfriend and his friends to a haunted house an hour away only to panic when Michael Myers walks up behind you and you have to spend the rest of the night in the car.
5. If your therapist keeps saying "I know how you feel" or starts acting like she may need as much help as you do, you might want to start looking for a new one.
6. DO NOT expect all your friends to stick around after you start having anxiety and panic attacks. They are only human.
7. Don't be afraid to let someone help you through your day but don't rely on that person for everything. They may not be here one day.
8. STAY BUSY! The more alone time you have the more you will think.
9. You will surprise yourself if you just try things you didn't know you could do. It is a HUGE confidence booster.
10. Don't decide you want a tattoo when you are deathly afraid of needles. You will have nightmares.... I promise.
11. Most people don't care that you have anxiety, so you shouldn't care what they think.
12. I keep telling myself that I will be normal one day but maybe this is my normal. It could have been cancer or losing both legs but it's just anxiety. JUST anxiety.
I hope these are words of encouragement for someone who needs them. Life is funny and I'm finally starting to enjoy it.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Do I look as dumb as I feel?
I couldn't tell you how many times I have wondered that very thing. I can tell people wonder why I get so nervous to go to the movies or even go to the grocery store. A lot of you probably do the same thing. Afraid to say you don't want to go somewhere because you get nervous but then you end up panicking because you went.
I think one thing that has helped me tremendously is the fact that all the people I am close to or do things with know what makes me nervous. I didn't hide it anymore. You can't expect everyone to read your mind. All of my friends know that the movies make me so nervous I can barely sit still. Now if I really want to see one, my husband takes me on a Monday afternoon when no one else is there. Tomorrow we will be taking our 4 year old to see his first movie and I will admit that I am pretty scared. All I have to do is reassure myself that no one is making me stay. I really feel like that's why it's important to tell people about the things that make you uncomfortable. It makes life so much easier.
Here is an example of why it is so important in the process of getting better and it also happens to be one of the proudest moments since having anxiety:
My brother-in-law and girlfriend got engaged in July 2010. From that day when she told me I would be a bridesmaid I WAS WORRIED. Actually, worried is an understatement. I was completely petrified. I cried for a week because I was so scared. Finally I called her and told her I couldn't do it. Immediately after I called all I felt was regret. Regret. Why would I feel like that when I had just cried for a week over it. So after thinking about it I called back and said I would do it. Over the next year I fretted over every single detail. Everyone constantly reassured me I would be okay but it never helped. Once it got down to the last few days I was in full panic mode. The bride, which happens to be one of my best friends as well, told me that if I got nervous I could just walk out. (That's the definition of a true friend) She was willing to let me walk out of her wedding just so I could be apart of it. Throughout this whole thing the one thing I didn't want to happen was for any of the attention to be off the bride. So the night before one of my best friends gave me a very sweet card and candy telling me I could do it.
Once the big day arrived I was just a big bag of nerves. I almost walked out of the rehearsals but my sister-in-law was there to calm me down. While getting ready they kept me calm and I was pretty distracted with doing hair and getting ready. I hardly ate anything and secretly wanted to run out the door screaming! When the time came to walk down the aisle I was completely about to faint. (It also helped a little to know that I wasn't alone because the groom was about 2 seconds away from passing out) As soon as I walked out the nerves were completely gone. I NEVER thought that would happen. I spent the rest of my night enjoying the wedding and grinning from ear to ear that I actually did it.
So basically what I'm trying to say is it so important to let the people in your life help you if they are willing. I can't imagine not having these people in my life and I'm am so grateful to each of them.
If there are any topics that you want me to write about feel free to ask me! I'm always open for suggestions.
I think one thing that has helped me tremendously is the fact that all the people I am close to or do things with know what makes me nervous. I didn't hide it anymore. You can't expect everyone to read your mind. All of my friends know that the movies make me so nervous I can barely sit still. Now if I really want to see one, my husband takes me on a Monday afternoon when no one else is there. Tomorrow we will be taking our 4 year old to see his first movie and I will admit that I am pretty scared. All I have to do is reassure myself that no one is making me stay. I really feel like that's why it's important to tell people about the things that make you uncomfortable. It makes life so much easier.
Here is an example of why it is so important in the process of getting better and it also happens to be one of the proudest moments since having anxiety:
My brother-in-law and girlfriend got engaged in July 2010. From that day when she told me I would be a bridesmaid I WAS WORRIED. Actually, worried is an understatement. I was completely petrified. I cried for a week because I was so scared. Finally I called her and told her I couldn't do it. Immediately after I called all I felt was regret. Regret. Why would I feel like that when I had just cried for a week over it. So after thinking about it I called back and said I would do it. Over the next year I fretted over every single detail. Everyone constantly reassured me I would be okay but it never helped. Once it got down to the last few days I was in full panic mode. The bride, which happens to be one of my best friends as well, told me that if I got nervous I could just walk out. (That's the definition of a true friend) She was willing to let me walk out of her wedding just so I could be apart of it. Throughout this whole thing the one thing I didn't want to happen was for any of the attention to be off the bride. So the night before one of my best friends gave me a very sweet card and candy telling me I could do it.
Once the big day arrived I was just a big bag of nerves. I almost walked out of the rehearsals but my sister-in-law was there to calm me down. While getting ready they kept me calm and I was pretty distracted with doing hair and getting ready. I hardly ate anything and secretly wanted to run out the door screaming! When the time came to walk down the aisle I was completely about to faint. (It also helped a little to know that I wasn't alone because the groom was about 2 seconds away from passing out) As soon as I walked out the nerves were completely gone. I NEVER thought that would happen. I spent the rest of my night enjoying the wedding and grinning from ear to ear that I actually did it.
So basically what I'm trying to say is it so important to let the people in your life help you if they are willing. I can't imagine not having these people in my life and I'm am so grateful to each of them.
If there are any topics that you want me to write about feel free to ask me! I'm always open for suggestions.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Push through
First off I just want to say how grateful I am to all of you who read my first post! The encouraging words from some of you made my day. It just gave me more motivation to keep writing.
Anyways, I've spent all day deciding what to write about. I realized that one of the main reasons most of you decided to read this blog in the first place is because you are probably looking for ways to help deal with your anxiety or panic attacks. Some of you rely on medications while some of you have found natural ways to cope. Before I go into this please remember that I am not a doctor (although I feel like I've been to enough doctos to be one) and these are just from my experiences.
The first time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was about 19. Within the first 15 minutes he had diagnosed me and given me medication. I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be that easy. I was put on Paxil which made me EXTREMELY hyper. I also experienced short term memory loss. After deciding that I was tired of acting like a 5 year old who had just drank a pot of coffee I was put on Effexor. It seemed to help for a little while. After being on it for a year I was determined to be medicine free! I slowly took myself off of it and realized that all the medicine was doing was making me THINK it was helping. I felt exactly the same. So now that I have been prescription free I can honestly say that it was the best for me.
Some things that I have learned over the years to help me:
Breathing - I know you read this on every single website to take deep breaths and hold them, then slowly release. NO. I'm sorry if I don't want to feel like I'm suffocating while I'm already panicking. I just take deep breaths and make my lips pucker out (like I'm giving a kiss) and just breathe out normally. For some reason it just helps. Like I said in the last post, I may look funny doing it but if it works I will do it.
Cold Air - No matter if it's a little nervousness or full blown panic attack, anything cold helps. Turn on the air conditioner, stick your head in a freezer (I've done it many times), rub a cold drink on your forehead or just lay on a cold floor. I won't even tell you some of the places I've been in where I've had to lay on the bathroom floor.
Finding an exit - Whenever I panic, it's usually because I feel like I won't be able to leave a place fast enough or that there might not be a way out. I always look for restrooms and easy exits wherever I go now ahead of time that way I will be less likely to freak out later.
6 years ago I was full on Agoraphobic. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is basically where you are too afraid to even leave your house. Fast forward to now, I am working, shopping, eating out, and enjoying life. I'm nowhere near "cured" but I really feel like I'm on the right path to getting better. The one thing I have really tried to do this past year is NO MATTER how scared I am to do something I just do it anyways. If I panic, who cares. I'll try again tomorrow. I have soooo many more thing I want to cover and will try to update every day. I hope I have helped some of you!
Anyways, I've spent all day deciding what to write about. I realized that one of the main reasons most of you decided to read this blog in the first place is because you are probably looking for ways to help deal with your anxiety or panic attacks. Some of you rely on medications while some of you have found natural ways to cope. Before I go into this please remember that I am not a doctor (although I feel like I've been to enough doctos to be one) and these are just from my experiences.
The first time I saw a psychiatrist was when I was about 19. Within the first 15 minutes he had diagnosed me and given me medication. I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be that easy. I was put on Paxil which made me EXTREMELY hyper. I also experienced short term memory loss. After deciding that I was tired of acting like a 5 year old who had just drank a pot of coffee I was put on Effexor. It seemed to help for a little while. After being on it for a year I was determined to be medicine free! I slowly took myself off of it and realized that all the medicine was doing was making me THINK it was helping. I felt exactly the same. So now that I have been prescription free I can honestly say that it was the best for me.
Some things that I have learned over the years to help me:
Breathing - I know you read this on every single website to take deep breaths and hold them, then slowly release. NO. I'm sorry if I don't want to feel like I'm suffocating while I'm already panicking. I just take deep breaths and make my lips pucker out (like I'm giving a kiss) and just breathe out normally. For some reason it just helps. Like I said in the last post, I may look funny doing it but if it works I will do it.
Cold Air - No matter if it's a little nervousness or full blown panic attack, anything cold helps. Turn on the air conditioner, stick your head in a freezer (I've done it many times), rub a cold drink on your forehead or just lay on a cold floor. I won't even tell you some of the places I've been in where I've had to lay on the bathroom floor.
Finding an exit - Whenever I panic, it's usually because I feel like I won't be able to leave a place fast enough or that there might not be a way out. I always look for restrooms and easy exits wherever I go now ahead of time that way I will be less likely to freak out later.
6 years ago I was full on Agoraphobic. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is basically where you are too afraid to even leave your house. Fast forward to now, I am working, shopping, eating out, and enjoying life. I'm nowhere near "cured" but I really feel like I'm on the right path to getting better. The one thing I have really tried to do this past year is NO MATTER how scared I am to do something I just do it anyways. If I panic, who cares. I'll try again tomorrow. I have soooo many more thing I want to cover and will try to update every day. I hope I have helped some of you!
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